For some people, to constantly think of a certain person is a way for you to know how much that person means to you. But how about thinking of your subjects from time to time? That feeling of getting anxious everyday while waiting for the results that shows that you passed all subjects or not?
I’m guilty. I was too anxious for the past days that it even came to a point where I don’t want to get out of bed and just stare at nothingness. Although I keep on praying about it, but having yourself preoccupied of the same negative thoughts is really not healthy.
What if I failed one subject? I won’t be promoted. I’ll suffer another year for nothing. I’ll see my batch mates graduate while I’m left to pass the subject I failed.
Those are some of the thoughts that has occupied my mind for the past weeks. If they were voices in my head, I could have lost my mind.
For a Christian, I know it’s not healthy to be anxious.
It’s not healthy not to trust GOD when you know that you prayed about it.
But apart from that, I was also scared of facing the thought of maybe this is not for me. I was so scared that maybe if I fail, it is GOD’s way of saying that this is not for me. I was so into this for path for the past months that letting it go so easily will be hard for me.
So I made up my mind. I packed my bags, and traveled to one of the best beaches in this Province. I needed a break from my anxiety and stress. I need to runaway from everything and think more of what I should do next.
My stay far from the city showed me many loopholes in my faith.
It showed me that I am still coward enough to face whatever GOD has ordained to happen especially if it is something that will break my heart.
I learned that I am still weak at some point. That I am still vulnerable and doubtful.
It’s not easy to see yourself in your reflection messed up.
For some moments in my past, I was so confident enough that I have a strong faith.
But what if the waves are crashing and the Earth is shaking? Are you still going to stand still?
To be sanctified is a process, I believe. And sometimes, for us to learn to strengthen more our faith, GOD must put it into a test.
At some point I failed. And some, I passed. But I thank that in every time I doubt, He never left me.
It’s so easy to say that you’re certain enough that it’s an easy way ahead, because the truth is, it’s never like that.
We all have to pick up our cross and carry it. We have to suffer for Christ to win against this world.
My flesh may have been pulling me to doubt time and time again. But the more we draw near to GOD during our troubles, the more we can see that there is a way out.
All we need is to trust.
A Christian life is not a speedy way up. It’s a roller coaster ride for you to be molded to what GOD wants you to be.
Medicine may look like a worldly achievement for some. But by looking into how GOD has molded me spiritually, I know it’s not.
He taught me to become patient, compassionate, loving, focused and caring. He taught me all the characters that I must have not just in becoming a good Doctor, but in becoming one of His disciples.
What happened for the past days looks like I was running away from the truth, but it’s not.
I was running away from my problems for me to embrace the love of GOD.
I am glad that I am now back in the city, and guess what?
I did not fail even one subject! I got promoted to the next year level!
All the sleepless nights, the emotional roller coasters ride, the prayers I said and all the tears I cried has lead to this.
And if there was one thing that I regret from all of this, it is the times that I clouded myself with doubts.
Because it didn’t make sense.
Because GOD has a better plan for me than the doubts that I have flooded my mind.
So my readers, never entertain any doubts. No matter how chaotic your life looks today, GOD has never left your side.
Someday you will see that all things worked together for good. Because you loved Him. Because He first loved us.
If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways. – James 1:5-8