It’s more than 3 months since my clerkship started, and I am completely honest when I say I am not comfortable.
I am not comfortable with sleeping less, waking up early, having duties 30-36 hours straight, facing sick people everyday and being scolded by the Residents. I used to cry over low grades but now, I cry over how tiring it is in every end of our duty. I have to be careful with my every move inside the hospital because my actions are graded. I have to be careful with the every history and physical examination I get from every patients or else the Residents will get upset. I have to monitor patients and refer them to our Doctors if we see some changes in their vital signs. We sometimes even have to explain to our Residents when there’s a patient who suddenly died although he looks well hours before. We have to be with them during rounds and answer their questions. I have done multiple CPR to dying patients. I have heard their hearts beat after they died for a moment. I saw patients’ relatives cry and even saw patients die without their relatives. And the worst part was when I have tried to finally say someone’s time of death. It was unbearable. I cried going home, and even cried more before sleeping.
Those words that I have said are not enough to say how tiring it is to become a Doctor. But even if I have to go through a lot of crying and thoughts of quitting, I still look up to God and say, “Thank You.”
I thank the Lord for showing me how fragile life is. I use to get depressed so often and even think of killing myself. I used to be ungrateful with the life I have, but when I finally saw people fighting for their lives, I realized that I was too selfish to think of ending my own life.
I thank Him for showing me the worst kind of suffering so that I may know that in Christ alone we find comfort in this world full of sufferings. I have seen many watchers whisper a prayer to their dying relatives, and I have seen how helpless humans are if we won’t even cry out to God in the darkest moment of our lives.
I thank Him for showing me that taking care of our patients is a serious matter. It’s even more important than having good grades in school. Humans are used to think about themselves more often, but in the Medical Field, you have to sometimes set aside your own needs to be able to take care of other people.
I thank Him for giving my patients hope and for every smile I get when Doctors tell them they are going home. Their simple thank you means so much to me.
I thank the Lord for giving me Mentors who are passionate in molding me to become a good Doctor someday. I get scared all the time when my Residents get upset, but I know they just want us to do our best in dealing with our patients. I love how they keep on reminding me that I am not treating the lab results but the patient itself. For them, it is necessary to always ask how the patients feel. It’s fun and challenging to work with them and I thank the Lord for each moment I learn something.
Most of all, I thank the Lord for giving me strength. I feel like quitting almost everyday, but it’s Him who reminds me that it is all worthwhile.
And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. (Colossians 3:17, ESV)
I miss writing so much so I just dropped by to say these words before I go to sleep after a very tiring day. There is so much to be thankful for. I still have less than 9 months to endure, and I ask for your prayers during this very tough year in my life.
In every situation, I pray that God will give you a grateful heart because there is still so many reasons to celebrate this life He has given us.
All glory belongs to God.