Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths. – Proverbs 3:5-6
Millennials. They say we are reckless. Girls were even taught that it’s okay to be the one who’ll chase after the guy they love. They say we’re free to do that.
For Christian women, maybe you’ll wish that the Bible has at least a portion for us regarding this. But I find it funny if this topic is in the Bible. Because, what does dating have to do with the Gospel, anyway? Nothing!
So how can Christian women behave regarding this? Should we be anxious if the guy whose been chatting you online and takes you out for a ‘date’ (but you’re not sure if it’s a date) has been puzzling you? Do we really have to overnanalyze everything?
During my Psychiatry class we were taught about the 5 stages of grief. Sometimes I make fun of it and apply it to the dating scenario (especially when the guy gets cold and you’ll be puzzled with what’s happening) we have during this age.
- Denial. You start to fall in love with someone who isn’t clear with his intentions. You will start thinking that his cold-hearted approach the past few days (after all those sweet moments) is not a big deal. You’ll refuse to believe that it’s going to end soon. So you’ll start resuscitating your relationship like you’re a Doctor in a Emergency Room. Or maybe you’ll start telling yourself that it’s okay and you’ll be fine. You’ll start telling yourself ‘positive’ things and become hopeful that a guy with clear intentions will come someday. You think you’re going to be okay.
- Anger. Weeks after, you haven’t heard anything from him anymore. You hated how he entered into your life and left you with subtle hints. He will make you wonder if you’re not really worth the risk. You’re tempted to block him in all your social media accounts, but that means you can’t stalk him anymore, right? So you just ‘unfollow’ him, but you visit his profile every now and then. Haha. You are tempted to give him a message or maybe you did, but he never replied. You’ll start to get angry because he left you hanging like all those sleepless nights are nothing.
- Bargaining. You’ll start to cry out to God for all the hurts you went through. But you still love that guy so instead of letting him go, you’ll choose to bargain with God and plead Him to give you a ‘sign’ or make him miss you or make him ‘like’ you again. You’ll start to question God why he isn’t ‘the one’ and ask Him if he could be ‘the one’. You’ll brace yourself for the next part because you need more money or tissue during that stage. Hehe.
- Depression. You need more money because you’ll eat a lot or maybe you’ll be able to save enough money to buy yourself a house. Either way, you’re still depress. Maybe you’ll need more tissue because you’ll keep on crying. This may go on for months, years or worse, a lifetime. It’s up to you by the way. 😊
- Acceptance. But then you’ll realize he isn’t worth it. So you start spending the money you saved (from the previous stage) and use it to pamper yourself and make yourself look beautiful. You’ll then be tempted to make your revenge by posting your beautiful selfies online. 😂 It won’t work, anyway. Haha.
But really. What should you do during this time? I’ll give you some tips, but a better outcome in still up to you.
1. Evaluate Yourself
The simple believes everything, but the prudent gives thought to his steps. – Proverbs 14:15
Ask yoursel first, why did you assume? Maybe he is just friendly and you’re just overanalyzing everything.
If there is a lesson I learned for the past months regarding men who don’t pursue you despite all those subtle hints, it’s this: You only overanalyze all his actions if you like him even from the start. Try observing all your other ‘guy’ friends and how you treat them. They might treat you just the same way that he does, but you don’t overanalyze their actions because you don’t like them.
Sometimes, women are too overprotective, over-emotional and overthinker that we tend to forget that maybe men just want to make friends with us. I have many close guy friends, and it is really good when you know how to treasure those friendships without putting malice.
Sometimes men are scared befriending women because we always tend to overanalyze everything rather than cherish the friendship that is building up. If he gets beyond that line wherein he already acts like it’s more than friendship, you can clarify things and ask him what’s going on. But don’t get too hopeful that he likes you, too. There are different kinds of men out there and most of them are just too sweet to everyone. You can’t change them for you. It’s you who must learn to understand.
Evaluate yourself because maybe all this time, it’s you who need to change. Maybe it’s you who need to change the way you see all the men who come into your life. Don’t make all of them uncomfortable when they try to make friends with you. But don’t go further than that. Know your boundaries as much as possible.
2. Accept the situation and thank the LORD.
In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. – 1 Thessalonians 5:18
Yes. Thank God that the guy who left you hanging did not pursue you. Thank Him in all the circumstances you are in. Be joyful that the relationship did not go deeper. Some relationships don’t start because it’s not the will of God for you. If you prayed for God’s guidance in your relationship, consider this trial as the answer. He didn’t pursue you because God answered your prayers when you said you let His will be done in your life. Start praying to God that He will give you strength when the feeling haunts you again.
It’s okay to cry, to mourn for a love that you think is building up between the two of you, but don’t blame God for everything. Your troubles are there for a reason and you must be filled with thanksgiving all the time even if it hurts for a moment.
3. Listen to your godly friends.
The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice – Proverbs 12:15
Sometimes when people are in love, they refuse to listen to people who know better. Even if all the best options were already given, you still follow what you think is right. You tend to lose your common sense when you let love cloud your thinking. Even if it’s hard, learn to listen. Please listen.
Listen when they say, stop and not hope. Listen when they say you need to move on. Sometimes you already know the right answer. We just want to hear other people say what we want to hear. Maybe you want to hear from them that you must go after him and prove to him your love, but you received some advice that are contrary to what you are expecting. That’s the time you should evaluate your self. Maybe they’re right and all this time you are wrong.
My guy friends used to tell me that if a guy loves someone so much, he will pursue that girl no matter what. If he loves and doubts it, he doesn’t love you that much. With that being said, just thank God he didn’t pursue you. True love is always sure.
4. Learn and Apply.
Maybe you’ve been running in this circle and you just want to break free. You’re already sick and tired of people not choosing you. But please, learn this time. Learn to put boundaries and learn to respect yourself. Know how to control your emotions as well. Accept that it’s not meant to be. Because if it is, he will come back. But he didn’t. So let him go. Learn how to guard your heart so that this won’t happen again. But if this situation will happen again, remind yourself of all the reasons why the past ‘friendship’ did not work out. Learn from the past and don’t let your past experience be put to waste.
5. Don’t chase him.
Just don’t. Please don’t. Don’t make yourself look cheap by being someone who put all the efforts. Guys know what they want and if they don’t like you, you’re going to feel it as time goes by.
I have plenty of guy friends and I know how they deal with women that they like. If they’re sure of what they feel, they’ll let you know. If not, they’ll keep it to themselves. But those things don’t apply to everyone. Some men keep it a secret. Maybe when you start to get confuse, that’s the time that they’ll confess.
But I think we should not be the ones who’ll chase after them. Don’t be the one who will do all the efforts. That’s not going to work in the end. He will eventually leave you. Have respect to yourself and remember that if you can’t see much effort from him, it means he’s not that into you. Accept that and move on.
Wisdom will save you from the ways of wicked men,
from men whose words are perverse,
who have left the straight paths
to walk in dark ways,
who delight in doing wrong
and rejoice in the perverseness of evil,
whose paths are crooked
and who are devious in their ways.
– Proverbs 2:12-15
Be wise. Don’t be like those girls who chase men like they’ll die if they don’t have a boyfriend.
Learn to enjoy singleness. Learn the art of contentment. If he didn’t pursue you, we can’t do anything about that. You can’t force someone to love you. If you feel unaccepted, this is the right time to fix your eyes on Jesus. This is the time for you to remind yourself that Christ’s love is always enough. Evaluate your relationship with Him and grow in Christ. Obey and always give thanks.
Don’t let yourself grow bitter. It’s not meant to be. Accept defeat, but always remain hopeful in Christ alone.