It was still 7 in the evening but I was already crying like it’s midnight while I was inside my friend’s car. She doesn’t know what to do with me but to listen to my stories why I find myself so unworthy to be pursued. It has been just weeks but it’s now a memory that could make me cringe because I know it reflected what is in my heart. It’s so hard to be back in blogging and people think I’ve figured everything out when I was away. But sadly, my life is a bit a roller coaster ride — like those you think you’ll probably end up dead.
Hello. This is the woman who writes wisely but acts way too different. That woman who speaks about finding your worth in Christ alone but ends up crying to God why I feel so unloved. I’m sorry to tell my readers but not being in a relationship when you’re on your late 20s sometimes sucks. I know there are people who are older than me and are still optimistic about this, but I know everyone went through this kind of feeling. I can console you with Bible verses right now. I know what to read, what to say, what to tell all those young women looking for wisdom but to be honest…to be really honest, I sometimes feel like God has been taking something away from me and I don’t know what lesson I must learn so hard this time.
I don’t know how to sugar coat frustrations, fears, doubts and all those moments I asked Him, “Why not me yet, Lord?” “How much contentment should I lay on the table so you could give me what I am asking?” I feel so alone. I feel like this is the right time to have my own family and plan a life with someone special. It doesn’t matter how many times I hear people say I need to wait and be more prayerful about this if when I’m alone, all I could do is cry and ask God why all my almost relationships did not work out just right.
You hear your friends tell you their love stories and wonder why it never worked out that way for you. You’ll ask time and time again why your story took a longer time for waiting. They are all making plans for their weddings but you’re still there, stuck just where it all started — waiting. It even came to a point where I don’t even know what I was waiting for.
I’m pressured. That feeling of people telling you that you are not getting any younger so you should start doing something to be found. I am not hiding! Haha. I’m just at the hospital everyday, facing the people whom God has given me as my responsibility. I am not somewhere where I shouldn’t be going. I know I am right where He wants me to be, but why? Why do I get scared when I see more single Doctors than the ones who are married? Why does it feel like I am heading towards a life with no one but myself? And to be honest, it scares me. If this is the cost of becoming a Doctor, I could have thought it through in a much longer time. Sleepless nights, some ungrateful patients, empty pockets, skipped meals, being single — are they really all worth it?
But at the end of the day, I can’t wrestle with God. I’ll always go back to waiting, praying and doing all those things that will get me busy. But I’m wondering if the waiting will all be worth it. I’m wondering if the right one still exists and how will I know if he is the one? At the end of the day, all I can do is wait. Wait for God to work things out. Wait for Him to do what He needs to do.
But for now, just let me be. Just let me write down my frustrations, doubt and fears so I have something to look back and remind myself that I have been through this and I was able to endure it.