I’m Back and I Want to be Honest

It was still 7 in the evening but I was already crying like it’s midnight while I was inside my friend’s car. She doesn’t know what to do with me but to listen to my stories why I find myself so unworthy to be pursued. It has been just weeks but it’s now a memory that could make me cringe because I know it reflected what is in my heart. It’s so hard to be back in blogging and people think I’ve figured everything out when I was away. But sadly, my life is a bit a roller coaster ride — like those you think you’ll probably end up dead.

Hello. This is the woman who writes wisely but acts way too different. That woman who speaks about finding your worth in Christ alone but ends up crying to God why I feel so unloved. I’m sorry to tell my readers but not being in a relationship when you’re on your late 20s sometimes sucks. I know there are people who are older than me and are still optimistic about this, but I know everyone went through this kind of feeling. I can console you with Bible verses right now. I know what to read, what to say, what to tell all those young women looking for wisdom but to be honest…to be really honest, I sometimes feel like God has been taking something away from me and I don’t know what lesson I must learn so hard this time.

I don’t know how to sugar coat frustrations, fears, doubts and all those moments I asked Him, “Why not me yet, Lord?” “How much contentment should I lay on the table so you could give me what I am asking?” I feel so alone. I feel like this is the right time to have my own family and plan a life with someone special. It doesn’t matter how many times I hear people say I need to wait and be more prayerful about this if when I’m alone, all I could do is cry and ask God why all my almost relationships did not work out just right.

You hear your friends tell you their love stories and wonder why it never worked out that way for you. You’ll ask time and time again why your story took a longer time for waiting. They are all making plans for their weddings but you’re still there, stuck just where it all started — waiting. It even came to a point where I don’t even know what I was waiting for.

I’m pressured. That feeling of people telling you that you are not getting any younger so you should start doing something to be found. I am not hiding! Haha. I’m just at the hospital everyday, facing the people whom God has given me as my responsibility. I am not somewhere where I shouldn’t be going. I know I am right where He wants me to be, but why? Why do I get scared when I see more single Doctors than the ones who are married? Why does it feel like I am heading towards a life with no one but myself? And to be honest, it scares me. If this is the cost of becoming a Doctor, I could have thought it through in a much longer time. Sleepless nights, some ungrateful patients, empty pockets, skipped meals, being single — are they really all worth it?

But at the end of the day, I can’t wrestle with God. I’ll always go back to waiting, praying and doing all those things that will get me busy. But I’m wondering if the waiting will all be worth it. I’m wondering if the right one still exists and how will I know if he is the one? At the end of the day, all I can do is wait. Wait for God to work things out. Wait for Him to do what He needs to do.

But for now, just let me be. Just let me write down my frustrations, doubt and fears so I have something to look back and remind myself that I have been through this and I was able to endure it.

 

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5 Comments Add yours

  1. RheaAngeline says:

    Tsk tsk. Mali kasi talaga ang prayers. Hahahahaha.

    Labyoo nak. Aayusin na natin ang dasal ha. Let’s be honest with the Lord. Anyway, alam naman niya ang tunay na laman ng damdamin.

    Wag ka mag-alala, ako nga eh… waley. Hahaha.

  2. rolerrol says:

    This is what it means to walk in faith Kriz. It’s not easy, it’s not for the faint-hearted. You have the choice of choosing anyone but you haven’t and God sees that.
    But in the pain, in the confusion, when the battle to hold on to faith is at its fiercest the Lord is with you. He understands what you going through…..Keep holding on!

    1. KrizSummer says:

      Thank you so much for your kind words, Rol. God bless you. 🙂

  3. Imay says:

    I feel you sister. But this is not uncommon. Many single Christians are going through this cycle. Parang walang katapusan na minsan it’s very sanctifying. But that’s good, right? I’ve been through seasons like this. Some people are professionally successful but that doesn’t make you ready for marriage. Sometimes we think we’re ready but God knows that there are still things to work out right now in order to prepare you for bigger things. Maybe God is chastening us because we tend to focus on the gifts more than the Giver. God wants us to be content with Him alone, and even if we’re called to a life of singleness, we gotta have that solid conviction that He is more than enough. Have an eternal focus, which I know you do naman. For me, what has helped is I focus and meditate on His attributes, and that changes everything. I focus on the greater gifts God has already provided me—my salvation, my eternal destination, being chosen for holiness. Read Ephesians 1 and you’ll see. Read and meditate on the first three verses of Hebrews that talk about Jesus’ superiority. Cherish these truths in your heart. Superior love will push away inferior loves. Know Him more through the scriptures every day and ask Him that He will help you love Him more everyday. God is faithful. He is good. He is sovereign. He knows all things. Remember that He will work all things for good for those who love Him. He won’t withhold anything good for those whose walk is upright.

    1. KrizSummer says:

      Thank you so much, Ate Imay. 😭😞💔 Salamat sa pagcheer up sa akin.

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