I have been called as one of the ‘late bloomers’ when it comes to love. At the age of 25, I still don’t have a boyfriend! Haha. My close friends have already made fun of me because of this, and sometimes I get pressured already. But I’d rather get pressured than jump into a relationship I’m not sure of, right? Just because I don’t say that much about my crushes or the guys I liked before, it doesn’t mean I never had one. So here, I am going to share the guys I kept as a secret for a very long time. They’re not my boyfriends, by the way. Haha. Although they gave me some subtle hints, it was never enough.
I want to share this because each person has contributed to how mature I see love right now. Because of them, I became more cautious in liking someone.
1. The Popular
I’ve said in my other entries before that my high school life is really not that good. I’ve met guys that were rude and people I don’t want to befriend. I was so eager to end high school and start a great life in college. My main plan was just to thrive, and don’t get attached to people. But I was wrong. I got infatuated with one of my classmates on my last year in high school. Although he was popular, smart and funny, I hated him so much. I never thought I’d be able to feel something for him at our last year in high school.
We became seatmates and a got a ‘little’ close starting on the first quarter of 4th year. All of my prejudices regarding him were debunked, and I accepted the fact that he’s not bad at all. He shared ideas during class breaks, asked about my denomination. He was then happy knowing about my purity ring and told me it was a good thing.
I was so confuse on what course to get in college, but he told to consider taking a pre-med course rather than following my love for arts. So I did. And that advice has forever changed my life. I’m now in Med School. Just few weeks from now, I’ll become a clerk and what he told me nine years ago has forever changed me.
It wasn’t a mutual feeling so I kept all of those emotions to myself. His memories lingered up to my college days, but that’s just it. After highschool, we still had a communication but only up to my second year in college. We met again when we were 18, but that was the last time I saw him.
What I learned from him is that, I should not be scared of reaching dreams. Although I love arts, I have a bigger love for science. Because of him, I also learned to keep my feelings a secret. I learned not to tell anyone about what I feel and just act like I don’t feel anything.
I haven’t received any news about him anymore, but I think he’s doing fine. If I will be given another chance to meet him again, I just want to say ‘thank you’.
2. The Emotional
I met this guy months after I entered College. He was my churchmate, and at first, I did not like him. But suprisingly we became friends. I was even his first close girl friend in our church, and he trusts me too much that he tells me his secrets, past relationships and sometimes asks me to take care of his dog when he’s not around. He was sweet, caring and funny, but sometimes, he’s too clingy.
He was able to show me my dark side – that I’m the kind of person who hates too much emotions.
I did not tell him I was feeling something for him. I was too scared about it so I ended our communication and started ignoring him. I can never forget that midnight he kept on calling me and I answered it while I was half asleep. He was asking why I was ignoring him and all, but I think I wasn’t able to answer him right because I fell asleep while listening to him. After that, we didn’t have a solid communication anymore, and I was too coward to face whatever was building up between us.
If it wasn’t because of him, I will not be able to realize that I’m scared in facing my own emotions. I have tendencies to keep someone hanging if I get confuse.
We had a little conversation online just weeks ago, but I think that’s it. What happened before will stay in the past. We were able to move on and face the reality that it was just a crazy thing I don’t want to reminisce and there’s nothing more to look forward to.
3. The Overachiever
This guy was the closest one to me among these four people. He is still my friend today, but it was a miracle that I stayed friends with him after all the dramas I went through because of him.
I met him on the first day of our enrollment in College. But it was only on the last year in College that I did ‘kind of’ fall for him. Some said it was already love. But I think it was just again another infatuation.
He taught me many things in life especially in becoming focused in achieving my dreams. His drive to excellence inspired me to be diligent in school. There was even a time in my life that I wished I can be like him. He became top 1 in our entire university when we were in 3rd year in College, and he graduated with honors.
But he taught me one of the biggest lessons when it comes to relationships, and that is to not love a person because of his achievements in life – that’s too superficial. He also taught me that although I hate too much emotions, I can’t live without it. He was the opposite of the 2nd guy. His drive for success made him look like he is not capable of loving a person. I thought I will be able to love someone like him, but I was wrong.
At some point in your life, you must feel emotions too. And just like what my friend told me weeks ago, ’emotions will lead you in concluding you’ve actually felt love’, although too much of it is not good.
4. The Believer
This guy is the latest one. Among these four men, he was the only one one whom I was able to write an open letter after he broke my heart. I have said so much about him and posted numerous entries regarding him so I won’t repeat it anymore. But I just want to share what he taught me.
Through him, I learned that just because a person is active in Church or desired to become a Preacher, it doesn’t mean that he will be mature already in dealing with women. I don’t know if building relationships is really his struggle or not, but one thing is for sure: don’t just settle for a professing Christian. Wait for a godly man — a man who doesn’t point you to himself but to Christ. A guy who will help you fix your eyes in Christ alone.
These four people has left me lessons I will never forget. Although I don’t see myself ending up with one of them, I am happy that God taught me life lessons through them.
You see, I may be a ‘late bloomer’ for some people because I always choose to keep calm in dealing with my emotions, but it doesn’t mean I haven’t experienced how it actually feels. They thought I never felt that feeling before but they were wrong. It’s just that I don’t share about it that much. 😊
I guess, it’s not always about ‘waiting perfectly’ for the right one, but persevering despite of meeting all the wrong ones. Marriage won’t make you perfect and not even finding the right person is the end of your purpose in life. Your struggles along the way will eventually shape you into a person that God wants you to be – holy and set apart. So I hope, you don’t waste every moment. Learn something from it.
Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. – James 1:12
There are times that our failures will show how weak we are, but those things are there to remind us not to depend on ourselves but in Christ alone. Every person I mentioned above has somehow made me feel stupid. They made me feel that my emotions sometimes consume me or scare me, and that I sometimes fail to prioritize the virtues in life that matters more. But it also made me realize that in my imperfections, God’s grace is sufficient. He will be there to correct me and forgive me.
And despite of my depravity, He was willing to save me and mold me into the person He wants me to be — ‘Christlike’.