You will make known to me the path of life;
In Your presence is fullness of joy;
In Your right hand there are pleasures forevermore.
-Psalm 16:11, ESV
February is here! A month full of love, they say.
But did you know? (A fun fact about me. Hehe.) For the past 25 years, I only received two roses during the month of February! Haha. One when I was 15 because a guy friend of mine gave it as a peace offering. And the other when I was 19 because one of my closest guy friends gave each one of his girl friends a rose. Both were given not as ‘romantic’ gesture but a friendly one.
I don’t pity myself over that. 😊 I know even before that I am not the kind of girl that every man wants to be with. I was never the ‘girl next door’ type of woman or that ‘hot chick’ you’ll meet inside the campus. I’m always defined as the ‘strong and brave girl’ that some men fear (Not kidding.)
When I was a 2nd year High school student, I transferred to another school. I don’t know anyone in my new school so it was really hard for me to gain friends. For weeks, I became a loner and at the same time someone who was secretly loathed by some girls (something that I don’t know why up to now). There was even a time that I overheard a couple of girls talking about me at the comfort room. They said that they don’t like me. I was a nobody – an invisible one who can almost blend into the walls of our school. Not until a schoolmate came to me and bullied me in front of many people. He thought I won’t fight back because I am alone, but he’s wrong. I looked him in the eye and shouted at his face with my fist ready to punch him. Everyone who saw that got shocked. Right after that, I was dubbed as the ‘scary’ new girl.
I’ve always been defined as strong, brave and straightforward. I’ve carried that definition up to now. Most of the people I’ve met always get the impression that I am intimidating. I think it has something to do with my looks or my silence.
I’m not every guy’s ideal woman. I don’t fit in most men’s standards. That’s clear to me and I accept that.
With those traits, I think it’s enough to conclude that I am not the type of woman that men easily fall in love with. I don’t look charming. My resting face is even a ‘scary’ one. Haha! I often take things seriously. When I get the chance to lead a group, building a good relationship will never be my first priority. I want to get results right away. For me, I’m there to accomplish a task and not to gain friends. And by saying that, I think it has something to do with my personality.
But despite being defined as not sweet, too stiff, too strict, strong and brave, I don’t regret being like this. If that’s what keeps men (who wants to have a romantic relationship) away from me, so be it.
If you’re going to ask men, most of them want to marry a strong woman. However, when a strong woman is right there in their midst, they get so overwhelmed and even end up saying that ‘She’s too much. She should know her place.‘
Maybe I need to change. Maybe not. But one thing is for sure: I am aiming to become the woman that God wants me to be, which is revealed in His Word. But together with that desire, I know I can’t completely take away from me the impression that I send most people – that strong and very intimidating presence that I can make them feel even without doing anything.
Honestly, sometimes it’s hard to be someone whom they call ‘independent and strong‘. As time goes by (despite the pressure that I sometimes feel), I already get use to being someone whom most men don’t like or someone whom they can easily ignore.
We live in a world wherein most people want to get everybody’s attention. We’re unfortunate to live in a time wherein you need to be sensual to become famous or you need to show more of you to be known by everyone. We live in a world that raises the flag of Feminism without God in the picture. So with all these changes in our society, how will you, as a Christian, hold on to your beliefs?
As ransomed ones, we should not desire first and foremost to be someone every men want to fantasize. You don’t need that kind of attention from them. If you really believe that there is someone out there who is meant to become your husband, is getting the attention of those other men necessary? Do you need to please them? You must not.
As co-heirs with Christ or someone whom God adopted for His Kingdom, would you rather live for yourself or for Him? Would you rather drown in wanting to be the center of attention or be someone who is contented to be at the backstage of your life just to make sure that all glory will go to God?
There were many times that I struggled over this uniqueness that I am into. I do try to become a lesser version of my ‘strong-looking and always intimidating’ self.
But as I pray more and more to God to change me for good, I realized that there is nothing wrong with not becoming every man’s ‘ideal woman’ or someone whom most men will just ignore. Those things are simply beyond our power and, for sure, God has plans why it has to be like that.
Being someone who is already on her mid- twenties, I know the pressure of finding ‘the one’ as soon as possible. But I also know that this season is intended to make us truly satisfied in God alone.
I am proud to say that I am not every man’s ideal woman because I am not defined by this world’s definition of ‘Ideal’. I can never be someone whom every man will fantasize, and I am very much okay with that. I don’t care if I can’t receive flowers this month. I don’t care if I don’t get anybody’s attention.
As long as God is glorified, I’ll always be okay with it. And it will be my greatest joy that I don’t live to display my own glory but to proclaim His name.
There is this unexplainable joy that I feel when I think of becoming satisfied with God alone.
But godliness with contentment is great gain. – 1:Timothy 6:6
He calms my heart and secures my soul.
He comforts me with His Word that tells me that I am already complete with just Him alone and nobody else.
This joy gives me peace and it also makes me praise His Name all the days of my life.
This joy doesn’t make me long for more. It satisfies the longings of my soul. And it takes away all the pain that comes when the world makes me think that I am ‘Unwanted’.
I live for Him who see me as worth dying for. I live for Him who call me to deny myself and take up my cross daily. I now live not for myself, and gone are the days that I crave to get everybody’s attention.
Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
Sharing to you one of my favorite songs. 🙂