To The Christian Guy Who Broke My Heart

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.

Who can understand it?

– Jeremiah 17:9

You knew I’m always liked by unbelievers, and you’re aware that I doubted my worth because of that.

You knew about that guy back in College who broke my heart, that Engineer I blocked in Facebook, and that Seaman who tried to pursue me.

You knew I was broken, funny but deeply wounded. I have scars made by people who tried to pursue me, but never endured. You knew I was already fragile, and I’m still trying to be fine because I need to. Because it’s not God’s will for me to grow bitter.

But you still gave me subtle hints that you somehow like me.

My 2016 was a roller coaster ride because of you.

Three poems were even written for you, and you’re not even aware of it.

It only started with my ‘thank you’ message until it grew into something crazier than that.

I thought it was all right because you’re a Christian, and I thought you’ll take care of my heart.

We like the same things, and that’s a big plus for me.

But after all the jokes, serious and crazy conversations, funny messenger calls, the songs we sang over the phone, pictures you sent me, your emotion-triggering emoticons and the sleepless nights you spent just to chat with me, you even called me “darling” many times (which I’m aware it was actually nothing)..they all went to nothing when you finally told me you’re pursuing somebody else. And you told me how much you want to pursue her and die with her.

At first I was so mad at myself because I knew it was some issues with my heart that I was dealing with. I knew it was my fault because I kept on assuming. I thought that maybe if you were able to wait because I’m still studying, then you could have been the right one.

But tonight, I realized that if you can’t love me the way I was seeing it, then maybe you could have loved me and took care of my heart because I’m your sister in Christ.

Somehow it was my fault. I just want to be clear that I’m not blaming you for everything. Somehow it was my heart’s fault for falling into a great deceit – into something that I am not even sure of.

Just yesterday, you received the books that I promised to give. But I just want you to know, that those were my “Letting Go” gifts.

Yes, I’m letting you go. I can’t be your ‘best’ friend anymore.

I don’t want to be dragged into this craziness that you’re trying to put me in. I am better than this, and I have better things to do, too.

I wish our story will become a lesson to our brothers and sisters in Christ to never play with anybody’s heart especially those whom Christ died for, too. I hope this will become a lesson to others that there are certain kinds of friendships that are deadly if we don’t put some boundaries on it.

You made me feel so stupid. I can pass my exams in Med School, but with this, I feel like I am the slowest learner. You made me feel that I am not worth pursuing and that my heart was just a toy that you can play with while waiting for that someone you think that is worth pursuing.

But maybe my friends were right. I was too deep for someone like you who loves to swim in the shallow end. And that time that you’re already going deeper, you realized that it’s cold and dark and no light is waiting for you in the end. I was willing to shed a light for you to reach the bottom and pave way for you to finally know me more, but I was so wrong. You think I wasn’t worth it.

If I made you feel that you are not welcome, then I am sorry, but that was my only way not to give in to something that I am not sure of. You were not clear with your intentions to begin with.

You made me feel that you are the worst thing that ever happened to me last year, but I don’t want to be bitter about this. I want to learn. I want to have a heart that is grateful because it is the will of God for me to thank Him despite any circumstances.

You’re almost perfect, actually. Who wouldn’t fall for someone who is handsome, kind-hearted, intelligent, wise and funny? You’re even a pulpit preacher. You even plan to finally and formally enter a theological seminary soon. But I guess, those things were not enough for me to finally conclude that you’re the right one. Or perhaps, I am too busy for you or maybe I’m intimidating. I don’t know. I hope I knew so I was able to meet you halfway. Nothing was certain. But one thing is for sure: you made me feel that I was special.

I wish I’m too brave to send this one to you, but I know you don’t read my blog if I don’t share it on Facebook. So if you find yourself reading this, then maybe it was meant for you to finally know the reason why I am slowly going away from your life.

This is my goodbye to the reason behind why I keep on asking God to give me wisdom in recognizing the right one for me.Β 

This is my goodbye to someone whom I thought will take care of me just like how Christ loves me.

This is my goodbye to someone who made me pray to God to keep my heart’s motives right so that I can still serve Him well.

This is my goodbye to someone whom I prayed to have the courage to patiently wait because I was willing to meet you halfway after I graduate.

I can’t keep our promises either. Just like how welcome you are in my graduation in Med School or how you want to see the sunset in the beach that I fell in love with. I’ll be graduating next year. If you only waited, I could have been the happiest, but maybe I’m really not worth the wait.

20160603_181715
Perfect, right?

This is my goodbye to you, but I am releasing you with no bitterness because somehow you are my brother in Christ and it is my responsibility to be at peace with everyone.

I pray that you will be happy with the one you chose to pursue, and I hope you will be happy as I embrace a life full of sleepless nights in the hospital.

This is a a story of a Medical Student who fell in love with a soon-to-be Pastor.

I still desire to become a Pastor’s Wife, although you’re not the Pastor that God wants me to be with.

This blog entry is where it will end.

And I’ll say it again, my dear special friend…

This is my goodbye.

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. – 1 Thessalonians 5:18

15965965_10208182301703065_8203816961159978348_n

Too late two choices to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He’d already left with the other
So I’ve learned to listen through silence
I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say
I’ll talk until the conversation doesn’t stay on
Wait for me I’m almost ready
When he meant let go
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30 Comments Add yours

  1. Doctor Eamer says:

    Great job for this “letting go”. I’ll give you a Natatanging PSA Award. Keep it up πŸ˜‰

    1. KrizSummer says:

      Salamat Doctor Eamer! Macoconvert po ba yang award into bayad sa tuition? Hahahah. Joke! GOD bless! Malaking tulong ang PSA. Kita mo, nagdrama ako dun. Wahaha!

      1. Doctor Eamer says:

        Haha! Not convertible to cash. Convertible to more single years lang. Haha!

      2. KrizSummer says:

        Hahaha. Wag nalang. πŸ˜€

  2. haireohan23 says:

    So brave of you my friend. I’m grateful to the Lord that finally you realized that you are really better than just a second option. You are worth pursuing. Just be still and know that He is GOD. -Psalm 46:10 :*

    1. KrizSummer says:

      Thank you, Han. ☺ Thank you for being there always. ☺

  3. Hanna Paula says:

    Hang in there. God has plans for you. He has his perfect timeline for you, and no guy who seems to be the right one can ever ruin that. God knows what’s best for you, so don’t ever fret for the wrong people who think you deserve anything less than that. You may think you are not worth pursuing just because someone who once made you feel so special just left you hanging just because he found someone else he wanted to pursue. You are wrong. You are precious and you are worth pursuing because even Christ gave himself for you. You are worth pursuing but he is not the guy worthy to pursue you. You may fee inadequate but you aren’t. The human heart is frail and it is deceitful above all things that is why we feel all these inadequacy when we face rejection. The good news is that God is there to take care of our heart if we only place it in his hands. God’s grace is sufficient and nothing is too difficult for him. You have taken the first step by letting go. You go girl! ❀

    1. KrizSummer says:

      Thank you, Madam! πŸ˜‚β˜Ί Lablab Madam! πŸ’Ÿ

  4. pia jingco says:

    Hi! Been looking for Pinoy Christian bloggers and recently discovered your blog.
    It is during these seasons of pain that we are given opportunities to proclaim God’s sovereignty and faithfulness, to hang on to His promises, to depend on His grace, and to remember who we are in His eyes. You are His precious daughter, fearfully and wonderfully made. I am actually excited for you, knowing that as you fully surrender to Him and discover that He is, in fact, more than enough for you (“The Lord is my Shepherd, I have everything I need!”), He will unfold His perfect will for your life.

    1. KrizSummer says:

      Hello Pia! Thank you for those very uplifting words. I’m still aching, but I’ll get through this. πŸ™‚ God bless you.

      1. pia jingco says:

        Yes, I’m very confident that you will, by God’s grace! HE never fails us!

  5. Omg Kriz. Yakap! Hihi. Oks lang yan, makakabangon ka. Woot woot! Med nga kinakaya mo, yan pa kaya ang hindi? Haha!

    1. KrizSummer says:

      HAHAHA! Jem! Di ko alam kung makakarelate ka pero ang hirap mag-aral tapos broken. Ay shocks. Mababasa pa notes mo, dadaloy pa kasama ng luha yung inaral mo. wasak. 😭 Kaya ikaw, wag ka umibig sa Med if alam mong dehado. Dun na pagsure. πŸ˜‚ Char. *I’m studying right now* πŸ˜‚

      1. Ay bes! Kagagaling ko lang dyan! Mahirap! Dehado nga! Hahaha!

      2. KrizSummer says:

        Hahahaha! Apir! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

  6. miizerab says:

    Good blog, maybe being liked by unbelievers is where he has placed your calling help “preach to the unrighteous not just the righteous”, just a little side note! πŸ™‚

    1. KrizSummer says:

      Yes I always will. But when it comes to finding my spouse that way, I guess that’s not what I am praying for. ☺ God bless you. ☺

  7. RheaAngeline says:

    Beh, payakap nga. Yung mahigpit na mahigpit. Haaaayy… #TheBookOfSingle

    1. KrizSummer says:

      Awwww. hugs ate. ☺😒

    1. KrizSummer says:

      Thank you. ☺ God bless you. ☺

  8. judecros says:

    your post cut me to the heart… because i feel almost like the guy of whom you spoke.
    the difference is that i was clear with my intentions. when i saw things getting too deep i put the brakes on, and said countless times… that i want only to be friends. But somehow, it feels like i failed her anyway. What you said could have been her speaking…. and i know i caused her pain… but i have tried everything in my power to protect her heart. i deleted WA and stopped all communication with her, in hopes she would forget about me or move on. But our friendship somehow survived after months of silence. i tried to show my desire for friendship… only..but i still feel like i let her down. i could never properly convey my feelings, because im mentally inept. i persisted with our friendship because she was my best friend… and we had so many memories together… and i didn’t know how to keep it like that, and not let it go deeper. i know if it had that i would have broken her heart, im not who she deserves. i will somehow disappoint or hurt her… and i couldn’t bare the thought of that ever happening to her… so i distanced myself… in an effort to protect her… from me. Her silence now is harder for me to cope with than her constant messages ever were. i so treasured our friendship, but didn’t know how to keep it as only that… so to protect us from breaking our hearts, i tried to make myself into someone she wouldn’t like… because i knew that she deserved a prince.. and i am nothing like that.
    i lost my friend…… because i wasn’t astute enough to manage our friendship.

    i would just want to say to you that even though you have been horribly betrayed, this guy, whoever he is…. has lost more than he will ever know… and maybe now it is beginning to dawn on him, that he let go of what was the most special girl, he will ever know. Keep being you. Because that is the best quality of any girl..

    1. KrizSummer says:

      Hello there!

      Thank you for commenting on this post and sharing your story. Basing on this, I have an answer to why she acts that way. She likes you so much that even if you say with your lips that you don’t like her yet still stay close to her, she will always hope that maybe at the end you will realize that you love her. I think, one of the important things a guy must know is that, even if you deny it in your words, girls will always hold on to your actions. If you say you don’t like her, yet still communicate with her, she won’t believe that you don’t really like her. She will hope until nothing is left from her – even her dignity. Don’t change yourself just to make her hate you. That’s not going to work. If you want to protect her, stay away until she heals and move on (If given that you really really really don’t like her). If you want to make it really clear, send her a letter and pour your goodbye message on it. And please, don’t come back yet if she’s not over you because it’s going to be another cycle again if you’ll stay ‘the same’. She will always hope that everything will work out for her. Get busy with other things. Fellowship with godly men. Ask them some advice and be brave to put those walls.😊 And I know, by God’s grace, you will be able to do those things.

      And please, don’t settle on not becoming a ‘Prince’. Cultivate inside of you a heart that is willing to be sanctified through faith in Christ. This world needs Godly men and desire that you will be one of them.

      Thank you for your kind words in the end. It means a lot. It even got me a little teary-eyed because I know he won’t realize that. Haha. He’s happily dating right now and I’m happy for him. I’ll have my right time soon with the right man for me, and I know everything happened for a reason.

      God bless you, Sir! Fight the good fight of faith. 😁 And thank you for being one of those guys who were clear with their intentions.

      1. judecros says:

        i guess it’s hard to reply to something so perfectly put.. and im not that good with words.. i guess that’s probably one of my main problems to begin with.

        i tried to summarize the story behind why i commented what i did, shortly after on my blog. it’s called ‘why I’m lonely’ if you want a clearer picture. not that it matters.

        i did what i thought needed to be done. Not to say it was the right thing…

        i believe in our Saviour.. yes.. but i trust no one. Perhaps we just in different places.. but for me, any false security i have ever had, stabbed me in the back. So for me… im learning one slap in the face at a time, that faith in God comes at a price, but there is no greater resolve… for them who endure.

        No need to thank me… being the strong Christian you are, and your faith in Jesus is why you are here.. and why something as devastating as you have experienced.. has only made you stronger.
        The Lord will bless you indeed, because you honour Him.
        As i said, keep being you.

      2. KrizSummer says:

        I left a comment on your blog. God bless you, Jude!

      3. judecros says:

        Thankyou Summer… i saw it πŸ˜‰

  9. Kim Lamela says:

    This broke my heart into pieces, but made me realize the importance of letting go, and holding on to God more than anyone else. I love this! I felt every emotion you had in here. 😊

    1. KrizSummer says:

      Awww.πŸ˜ŠπŸ’Ÿ Thank you for commenting, Kim! God bless you. πŸ’ŸπŸ’ŸπŸ’Ÿ

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