The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?
– Jeremiah 17:9
You knew I’m always liked by unbelievers, and you’re aware that I doubted my worth because of that.
You knew about that guy back in College who broke my heart, that Engineer I blocked in Facebook, and that Seaman who tried to pursue me.
You knew I was broken, funny but deeply wounded. I have scars made by people who tried to pursue me, but never endured. You knew I was already fragile, and I’m still trying to be fine because I need to. Because it’s not God’s will for me to grow bitter.
But you still gave me subtle hints that you somehow like me.
My 2016 was a roller coaster ride because of you.
Three poems were even written for you, and you’re not even aware of it.
It only started with my ‘thank you’ message until it grew into something crazier than that.
I thought it was all right because you’re a Christian, and I thought you’ll take care of my heart.
We like the same things, and that’s a big plus for me.
But after all the jokes, serious and crazy conversations, funny messenger calls, the songs we sang over the phone, pictures you sent me, your emotion-triggering emoticons and the sleepless nights you spent just to chat with me, you even called me “darling” many times (which I’m aware it was actually nothing)..they all went to nothing when you finally told me you’re pursuing somebody else. And you told me how much you want to pursue her and die with her.
At first I was so mad at myself because I knew it was some issues with my heart that I was dealing with. I knew it was my fault because I kept on assuming. I thought that maybe if you were able to wait because I’m still studying, then you could have been the right one.
But tonight, I realized that if you can’t love me the way I was seeing it, then maybe you could have loved me and took care of my heart because I’m your sister in Christ.
Somehow it was my fault. I just want to be clear that I’m not blaming you for everything. Somehow it was my heart’s fault for falling into a great deceit – into something that I am not even sure of.
Just yesterday, you received the books that I promised to give. But I just want you to know, that those were my “Letting Go” gifts.
Yes, I’m letting you go. I can’t be your ‘best’ friend anymore.
I don’t want to be dragged into this craziness that you’re trying to put me in. I am better than this, and I have better things to do, too.
I wish our story will become a lesson to our brothers and sisters in Christ to never play with anybody’s heart especially those whom Christ died for, too. I hope this will become a lesson to others that there are certain kinds of friendships that are deadly if we don’t put some boundaries on it.
You made me feel so stupid. I can pass my exams in Med School, but with this, I feel like I am the slowest learner. You made me feel that I am not worth pursuing and that my heart was just a toy that you can play with while waiting for that someone you think that is worth pursuing.
But maybe my friends were right. I was too deep for someone like you who loves to swim in the shallow end. And that time that you’re already going deeper, you realized that it’s cold and dark and no light is waiting for you in the end. I was willing to shed a light for you to reach the bottom and pave way for you to finally know me more, but I was so wrong. You think I wasn’t worth it.
If I made you feel that you are not welcome, then I am sorry, but that was my only way not to give in to something that I am not sure of. You were not clear with your intentions to begin with.
You made me feel that you are the worst thing that ever happened to me last year, but I don’t want to be bitter about this. I want to learn. I want to have a heart that is grateful because it is the will of God for me to thank Him despite any circumstances.
You’re almost perfect, actually. Who wouldn’t fall for someone who is handsome, kind-hearted, intelligent, wise and funny? You’re even a pulpit preacher. You even plan to finally and formally enter a theological seminary soon. But I guess, those things were not enough for me to finally conclude that you’re the right one. Or perhaps, I am too busy for you or maybe I’m intimidating. I don’t know. I hope I knew so I was able to meet you halfway. Nothing was certain. But one thing is for sure: you made me feel that I was special.
I wish I’m too brave to send this one to you, but I know you don’t read my blog if I don’t share it on Facebook. So if you find yourself reading this, then maybe it was meant for you to finally know the reason why I am slowly going away from your life.
This is my goodbye to the reason behind why I keep on asking God to give me wisdom in recognizing the right one for me.
This is my goodbye to someone whom I thought will take care of me just like how Christ loves me.
This is my goodbye to someone who made me pray to God to keep my heart’s motives right so that I can still serve Him well.
This is my goodbye to someone whom I prayed to have the courage to patiently wait because I was willing to meet you halfway after I graduate.
I can’t keep our promises either. Just like how welcome you are in my graduation in Med School or how you want to see the sunset in the beach that I fell in love with. I’ll be graduating next year. If you only waited, I could have been the happiest, but maybe I’m really not worth the wait.
This is my goodbye to you, but I am releasing you with no bitterness because somehow you are my brother in Christ and it is my responsibility to be at peace with everyone.
I pray that you will be happy with the one you chose to pursue, and I hope you will be happy as I embrace a life full of sleepless nights in the hospital.
This is a a story of a Medical Student who fell in love with a soon-to-be Pastor.
I still desire to become a Pastor’s Wife, although you’re not the Pastor that God wants me to be with.
This blog entry is where it will end.
And I’ll say it again, my dear special friend…
This is my goodbye.
Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. – 1 Thessalonians 5:18