There was a time of so much pain.
I was frustrated that the checklist of who I wanted him to be does not even fit to the real him. I tried hard to change him. I talked to him about his mistakes, wanted him to change his ways, demanded him to do and be as I say. I believed he should change. After all, I know I was right to correct and rebuke him.
After all, I would never sway on my own standards.
But he would not change.
There was a time of choosing.
Maybe this would never really work out.
There are battles worth fighting for, there are things not really meant to be.
It was not so easy to accept that I had to give this up. I held him so dear in my heart. I always wanted the best for him, I always wanted us to be happy. But we were not. We were slowly drifting apart because of the pain we inflicted with each other.
I thought I saw us walking together on the same path, but all I see now is a new unfamiliar bend in the road.
I heard God saying to me that this was never the right season. I must loosen the grip now and let Him take the wheel of my life. I must follow Him on where He leads me to be.
There was a time of oblivion.
There were many days and nights I wished I could turn back time. I wished I can get back the painful words I have said. I wished I can rewind the happy memories. I stared at the world outside, outside the loneliness I felt inside. I tried to push aside the numbing pain, but to no avail.
There was a time of learning.
I held on to the reason why I let him go in the first place. On the moment of pain, I heard God said to me, “My daughter, give me your heart, and let your eyes look to my ways.” I knew He wanted me to learn something out of the things that has happened.
In Paul’s writings to the Corinthians, he said:
“If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.
If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries, and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith to say to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing.
If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stakes to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always, “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
Love never dies.”
When I realized how lavish God’s love for me is, I was floored. When I realized how sinful I am and He loves me still, I was at awe on His stubborn and unconditional love. When I received his forgiveness, I was ready to forgive too.
Inside my heart, I forgave him for the hard times and for hurting me. I also forgave myself for hurting him.
I was humbled by my mistakes and own shortcomings. But, I am thankful for the lessons, because now I am ready to love again, this time unselfishly and unconditionally.
There was a time of rekindling.
I never expected this to happen after three long years. It seemed like a twist in a telenovela, but this is not a telenovela. I know this was God’s plan unfolding.
I am amazed on how time, space, matter, and energy converged for us to meet again.
Those times we were apart from each other was actually the time God worked in our hearts, personally and separately.
We saw each other again, exchanged our “sorry’s”, looked back to the past and closed up the wounds, pondered about how we can make it up with each other, and rekindled the love.
Now is the time of beginning again.
Now we have a new book with fresh blank pages.
I looked into his eyes and all I see is the man I am ready to love unconditionally.
I choose to love him not for what he is, but despite and in spite of who he is and what he is not. He is still not perfect and he will never be, and so am I. But I am assured that God is working in our lives.
As long as we allow His will in our separately, and in our lives together, we will continually learn to love no matter what, now and forever.
We could never be happier to be back together, but not so much happier than what God has done in our lives. Since we can never give what we do not have, we are so much thankful for His redeeming unconditional love.
It was His love that gave us the strength to let go and begin again.
Jenny is a part-time CPA and Law student. When she’s not working or reading cases, she reads other books, eats out, travels, and plays music. The “him” in this blog is her highschool tweetums, college long distance boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, and after three years, boyfriend again.
Check out her personal blog: https://jenslifemix.wordpress.com./