Letting Go of Finding Validation in Wrong Places

“There is no ongoing spiritual life without this process of letting go. At the precise point where we refuse, growth stops. If we hold tightly to anything given to us, unwilling to let it go when the time comes to let it go or unwilling to allow it to be used as the Giver means it to be used, we stunt the growth of the soul. It is easy to make a mistake here, “If God gave it to me,” we say, “its mine. I can do what I want with it.” No. The truth is that it is ours to thank Him for and ours to offer back to Him, ours to relinquish, ours to lose, ours to let go of – if we want to find our true selves, if we want real life, if our hearts are set on glory.”
― Elisabeth Elliot

I’m struggling.

I have been honest in my past blog entries about my feelings of being Unwanted, Giving up on Waiting for a Person, and being Rejected.

Just minutes ago I was crying in the shower as I ask God, “Am I really not worth pursuing?”

I’ve just turned 25 last week, and to start this new year in my life like this is really not good. I know I should not get frustrated, but even if how much I ask the LORD to help me get through this, I once again see myself drowning over this mixed emotions of fear, hopelessness and bitterness. I know that it’s my flesh that keeps me chained on this, but sometimes it’s just so hard to fight it back especially when you’re just too tired of fighting back.

I want to get married and have kids, but I sometimes feel like it’s not going to happen. Maybe you’re saying, “You’re still young. You’ve just turned 25. Many things can still happen years from now.”

I know you want to keep my hopes up, but what if that’s not what the LORD has planned for me? Am I still willing to love Him despite not having what I want today?

One of my friends gave me a message last week on facebook about her health issues. She was trying to ask my opinion about it because her Doctor told her that she must get married as soon as possible and have kids right away because the cysts they saw in both of her ovaries are quite threatening to her fertility. She doesn’t have a boyfriend today, and sometimes her heart breaks seeing kids because she thinks she can never have one anymore. I was so positive about it that I told her to just stick on the medications and pray to God on whatever He tries to deal with her about that. I even told her the story of Hannah in 1 Samuel 1. I tried my best to console her, but deep inside I was asking God, “Why do you let Your people experience these things?“ I know it’s not good for me as a Christian to question God’s ways of molding us, but sometimes I cannot help not to question the reason behind everything that He has willed to happen.

Just this noon time, I read an article in Desiring God about “How to Serve the Singles“. I was so happy reading it. Finally, there is an article that will tell the people around us about the struggles that we, singles, are facing from time to time. But just hours after that, I was once again reminded that I should get in a relationship soon.

My Senior Clerkship will start next year, and I have been told many times that I must find a boyfriend soon. Most of the time, I just laugh it off and pretend that it doesn’t scare me at all.

But the truth is, every time I come home after being told by someone regarding that, I cry in my bed or in the shower.

I cry out to God why He keeps on sending me people who will try to threaten my love life and warn me that finding someone special in the next years of my life will be really hard already.

Who will have the courage to date a girl who works in the hospital for 24 to 36 hours? It’s just so easy to joke about meeting ‘the one’ inside the hospital, but to be honest, that’s not quite ideal for some of us. The Medical Field does not always look like “Grey’s Anatomy” or “House MD” especially if you are working in a hospital in a 3rd world country.

Finding the love of your life inside the Hospital is the least one that you must think about especially if you’ll be overwhelmed with the number of patients you’ll have every day.

I’m scared because I’ve never been in a relationship and if I am going to start it during my years of hospital training, I may not have much time for that person and maybe sometimes he will feel that he is the last one in my priorities.

I don’t even know how to handle that kind of relationship and how to become understanding if that person starts to think he’s not needed.

I feel hopeless because all these years, I only met guys who made me feel like they are trying to test how deep the water is, yet no one even dared to swim in the deepest part and made me feel that I am worth pursuing. Sometimes I question my worth because of that. Sometimes I ask people if I’m too ugly. I ask them what made those people step back.

I feel bitter (and I hate to admit it), because I’ve been careful all my life. I vowed to wait patiently at the age of 14, yet here I am at the of 25, still in the woods – finding my way out alone.

It’s so easy to say to just get over it, but sometimes it’s yourself that you are wrestling with – it’s your flesh that makes you shout in despair for not having it the way you want it to be.

If there is one thing I learned during this ongoing series in my blog entitled “Lessons on Letting Go“, it’s this: That I have my own struggle that I must learn to let go of before the year ends.

I sometimes feel lonely. I love the peace that solitude gives, but sometimes I just want to spend time with someone special. 

But tonight, I let go…

I let of the urge to find validation from someone whom I want to have in my life right now.

I must let go of the need to feel validated through the attention that I can possibly get from men.

I let go of my fear to spend this life alone.

I let go of the hopelessness that chains me to shout in despair and doubt my worth.

I let go of the bitterness that I feel every time I see other people happy with how their love life went good.

I let go of my insecurities, and the urge to question God’s plan in my life.

I let go of everything, and I hope I’ll learn not to look back.

This is actually an unexpected blog entry. Born out of the tears I’ve shed while typing all of these (yes, I am crying right now. Hah!)

We all have our own story of struggles, and I just pray that you will be able to break those chains, through God’s help, before this year ends. 🙂

I guess this is my last blog entry for this year (because I’ve scheduled the other entries up to the last day of the year. :))

I hope we will altogether learn from these stories. 🙂

It’s never easy. But through Christ, I know we will all have the strength that we need to overcome it. 🙂

I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the LORD and put their trust in Him. – Psalm 40:1-3

In Christ,

KrizSummer

Sharing to you the song that reminds me all the time that even if I’m doubtful and unfaithful sometimes, there is a God that remained loyal. 🙂

When my world shakes
Your love remains unshaken
So constant, so perfect, unwavering
When my world falls
Your love remains unfailing
So constant, so perfect, unwavering