Confession of An ‘Unwanted’ Princess

Last night, I broke down. And here’s the reason why…

For those who has been reading my blog, you know that I have vowed to wait for the right person — to earnestly wait, and use my days of waiting for GOD’s glory.

But last night, some depressing thoughts entered my mind as I was combing my hair in front of the mirror. This year I am turning 25, and I feel like I am on the right age to settle down. But since I am in Med School and still single, I know I can’t settle down sooner.

While facing the mirror, I remembered all the guys I liked before but were never meant for me. I’m a shy type of person, and to mingle with guys that I like is the most awkward thing for me. I am not one of those who can start a conversation with the guy they liked. I am not one of those who can easily get someone’s attention.

Since at an early age I already promised GOD that I will wait for the right time (that means I won’t enter a relationship just for the sake of having an experience), every time that I feel like I am starting to build up feelings for someone, I immediately ask for GOD’s help to not let me give in into my feelings especially if the person that I like is not the right one. And GOD always answers my prayers. Months or even just weeks after I ask GOD’s help, I’ll find out that the guy likes another or he has some habits that doesn’t glorify GOD.

That means, every time I like someone it’s almost always one-sided. There were only three times that I feel like it was mutual, but since it is not the will of GOD, it didn’t work out well. Those guys eventually ended up with someone else.

 I confess, that at the age of 24, I never experienced dating or even courtship.

And last night, because of that, I felt like I am not wanted.

For the past years, every time someone tells me that they like me, something else always happen. It’s either they got tired of waiting or I said ‘no’ right away. And ever since the day I entered Med School, no one came. Maybe I got too busy preparing myself for the days that I’ll be saving lives in the hospital or maybe it’s really not yet the right time.

The process of waiting itself is not hard for me. What’s hard for me are the times that I feel lonely or unwanted.

Sometimes I end up asking myself if am I not too attractive or even end up thinking that maybe I’ve drowned myself too much in reading books and locking myself in my room that’s why all this time I was never found.

I did cry last night. I did sob a little. But you know, when you keep GOD’s word in your heart, any lies that the enemy injects in you will never bring you down in the end.

Because even though this world may define me as less attractive, unloved, unwanted, too shy, too ugly, I know that GOD doesn’t look at my outward appearance but what is in my heart. And all the things that I do for Him is all that matters, and not what I will do to please the people around me.

I thank GOD that in times that I feel downcast and unwanted, I have His message of salvation that reminds me that although this world makes us feel unwanted, GOD sent His Son 2,000 years ago to save us, and glorify His Name through our lives.

Yes, I am unwanted by this world because I am meant to be wanted in the Kingdom of GOD. And with that, I know that I am loved, and with Christ, I know I will never be lonely.

Right now, only GOD knows what is ahead of me. Sometimes I end up thinking that maybe my future husband is so much loved by Him that He protected me from being trapped in a wrong relationship.

Only GOD knows what’s the reason behind all these things, but I am happy to say that…

The only story of waiting that matters for me now is about the day that I will finally see GOD and be in His Kingdom for eternity.

My lovelife is not the finish line. It’s only a chapter of the life that GOD has written for me. I won’t consume my time thinking what is to come when all has been perfectly planned by GOD already.

My lovelife is nothing if I don’t have CHRIST, and I wouldn’t trade my life with Him for any superficial longings… 

Because in Him I found the greatest joy, and in Him I am already complete.

My soul waits for the LORD more than the watchmen for the morning; Indeed, more than the watchmen for the morning. – Psalm 130:6

In Christ,

KrizSummer

PS: Sharing to you one of my favorite songs. 🙂

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6 Comments Add yours

  1. Jamie Carter says:

    I think that for me, the most toxic message coming from Christianity was that if any woman wasn’t married and hadn’t had any kids by twenty-five she was selfishly sinning against God. I had to really read through Scriptures to see if I was promised a happy marriage, healthy children, a decent education, a two story house with a white picket fence and no money troubles – and none of it was in there. So I decided to leave that denomination behind, if they couldn’t support me as a single adult, help me to feel like I belong just as I am and that I wasn’t a failure, they didn’t need my tithe money and to make me feel miserable. Now my friend followed all the rules married young – and she had a baby that lived just eleven hours and it died. I thought: “God, why did you do that to your servant? Hasn’t she praised your name enough? Done good deeds enough?” It made me realize that God never promised I’d live to see tomorrow, let alone have the American dream; it’s time that I start living one day at a time and make the most of my time.

    1. KrizSummer says:

      Thank you for sharing your thoughts. 🙂 It means a lot. I know how it feels to be pressured that way (although not by my local church but most of the time by the other people around me). Not all Christian thinks that single adult women are sinning if not yet married at 25. 🙂 So I hope you’ll find a group of believers someday that will make you feel at home. 🙂 I don’t know how it works there in America, but here in my country, we do not discriminate women that way. I know it will all be fine in GOD’s time. GOD bless you.

  2. messanger says:

    Sister, you and I feel very much alike.
    I am 23 and never had a boyfriend and never dated until I was 20. That failed miserably and so have 4 other relationships since I started dating. I am living for God and I’m keeping my virginity for the right man. I can tell you this, had I known about the heartache that I would experience with bad relationships I was in, I would’ve never been with anyone. I do feel regret giving my love and heart away to men who didn’t deserve a bit of it.
    I am very lonely and saddened because I am 23 and would like to be married and have children. My family doesn’t accept the fact that I am a grown woman and put me down whenever I mention wanting to be married. They expect me to work and work and work and never have feelings for anything else than working. I am also a private person, keep myself in my world most of the time with my art and books, and I’m an introvert. Every day i suffer though because I am lonely and would love to have a blessed marriage and children whom I could teach the Word of God.
    May God help you and me find our path in love life and end up with a mate God wants for us.

    1. KrizSummer says:

      Thank you for sharing your story. 🙂 I want to give you a hug for that. ❤ I guess, what I can advice you today is serve the LORD while you are waiting. It's normal to desire marriage, but don't fill your thoughts with that thing alone. You have a life to live. Your love life is just a little part of it. So cheer up. 🙂 Get involved in the church, be involve in any ministry. One day you will be found by the right man for you as you work in the vineyard of our LORD. GOD bless you. 🙂 You are loved by Him. Always remember that. 😀

  3. RheaAngeline says:

    There’s a blessing in obedience. Take hold of that, girl! I’m proud of you.

    1. KrizSummer says:

      Awwwwww. 💟 Thank you Ateeeee. 😊😚

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