Last night, I broke down. And here’s the reason why…
For those who has been reading my blog, you know that I have vowed to wait for the right person — to earnestly wait, and use my days of waiting for GOD’s glory.
But last night, some depressing thoughts entered my mind as I was combing my hair in front of the mirror. This year I am turning 25, and I feel like I am on the right age to settle down. But since I am in Med School and still single, I know I can’t settle down sooner.
While facing the mirror, I remembered all the guys I liked before but were never meant for me. I’m a shy type of person, and to mingle with guys that I like is the most awkward thing for me. I am not one of those who can start a conversation with the guy they liked. I am not one of those who can easily get someone’s attention.
Since at an early age I already promised GOD that I will wait for the right time (that means I won’t enter a relationship just for the sake of having an experience), every time that I feel like I am starting to build up feelings for someone, I immediately ask for GOD’s help to not let me give in into my feelings especially if the person that I like is not the right one. And GOD always answers my prayers. Months or even just weeks after I ask GOD’s help, I’ll find out that the guy likes another or he has some habits that doesn’t glorify GOD.
That means, every time I like someone it’s almost always one-sided. There were only three times that I feel like it was mutual, but since it is not the will of GOD, it didn’t work out well. Those guys eventually ended up with someone else.
I confess, that at the age of 24, I never experienced dating or even courtship.
And last night, because of that, I felt like I am not wanted.
For the past years, every time someone tells me that they like me, something else always happen. It’s either they got tired of waiting or I said ‘no’ right away. And ever since the day I entered Med School, no one came. Maybe I got too busy preparing myself for the days that I’ll be saving lives in the hospital or maybe it’s really not yet the right time.
The process of waiting itself is not hard for me. What’s hard for me are the times that I feel lonely or unwanted.
Sometimes I end up asking myself if am I not too attractive or even end up thinking that maybe I’ve drowned myself too much in reading books and locking myself in my room that’s why all this time I was never found.
I did cry last night. I did sob a little. But you know, when you keep GOD’s word in your heart, any lies that the enemy injects in you will never bring you down in the end.
Because even though this world may define me as less attractive, unloved, unwanted, too shy, too ugly, I know that GOD doesn’t look at my outward appearance but what is in my heart. And all the things that I do for Him is all that matters, and not what I will do to please the people around me.
I thank GOD that in times that I feel downcast and unwanted, I have His message of salvation that reminds me that although this world makes us feel unwanted, GOD sent His Son 2,000 years ago to save us, and glorify His Name through our lives.
Yes, I am unwanted by this world because I am meant to be wanted in the Kingdom of GOD. And with that, I know that I am loved, and with Christ, I know I will never be lonely.
Right now, only GOD knows what is ahead of me. Sometimes I end up thinking that maybe my future husband is so much loved by Him that He protected me from being trapped in a wrong relationship.
Only GOD knows what’s the reason behind all these things, but I am happy to say that…
The only story of waiting that matters for me now is about the day that I will finally see GOD and be in His Kingdom for eternity.
My lovelife is not the finish line. It’s only a chapter of the life that GOD has written for me. I won’t consume my time thinking what is to come when all has been perfectly planned by GOD already.
My lovelife is nothing if I don’t have CHRIST, and I wouldn’t trade my life with Him for any superficial longings…
Because in Him I found the greatest joy, and in Him I am already complete.
My soul waits for the LORD more than the watchmen for the morning; Indeed, more than the watchmen for the morning. – Psalm 130:6
PS: Sharing to you one of my favorite songs. 🙂