Ever since I was in my grade school days, I was already dubbed as someone that they are “scared of” because of the first impression that I leave them. Yet when they get to know me better, they tend to bring me down in ways that crushed my heart into pieces. It wasn’t a big deal back then, but now that my old personality still creeps into my life, it’s hard to just simply say, “I don’t care. I know I’m strong.”
I have this classmate who told me months ago that I have a very strong personality. He further said that I am the type of woman that will really clash with men doctors that I will work with someday. He tends to see that as my strength. But for me, I see it as my weakness.
I’ve always been hated because of my remarks and principles. When I tend to speak, everybody listens. Yet sometimes, I end up being hated.
The more you keep on standing on what is true and right, the more you will gather along with you haters who will do anything just to bring you down.
If my classmate saw that as my strength, I’ve kept on seeing that as my weakness. Simply because I’m sick and tired being judged and hated.
There were months in our church that I was assigned to teach on our weekly Youth Discipleship. I focused on the basics of Christianity and even encouraged them to love the Bible more than any books. But the more we went deeper, the more I see that although some were receptive, there were some who really tested my patience. Even though how many times I will emphasize to them to be early, they will always come in late, and the same situation happens even during our Sunday School. So, one night before I ended our Youth Discipleship session, I confronted them of what I’ve observed. It ended okay, but the next day, someone among the youth leaders sarcastically called me “Ms. Righteous” because of what I’ve done the other night. I honestly broke down into tears. Why do I have to hear that from someone who has been in the Church for a very long time? Why would they bring me down just because I confronted them of something that I know is right?
Another one is, when some of the younger young people in our church told me of something that really broke my heart. Some of the other youth leaders have been drinking alcohol in secret. It kept me awake for nights because I was burdened of what I am going to do. I kept on praying to God to give me wisdom on how I am going to respond to it. So after days if thinking, I decided to confront them with the witnesses. I told them I will not tell our Pastor and Deacons if I will never hear anything about it again. I chose not to let our Pastor know about it because it will be a big mess. It will eventually become a clash of families and I cannot let that happen. It turned okay because I never heard about it again, but the more I keep things only to us, the more I see how the other youth leaders hated me. There was even someone among them that said he doesn’t like even just my very presence.
Even though I was kept on being encouraged by the other youths, and they even said that I was a big help to them, I still feel that the older ones keep on pulling me down. I would even cry to my closest friends over what I feel about what they say about me. And even though how much they will say that I did the right thing, I still feel the burden of hatred thrown back at me.
Some even said, they wanted to be me. Yet little do they know how it hurts to be like me.
Even here in Med School, some are scared at me. And even though I speak softly even in times that I’m in the middle of an unintentional argument, some tend to hear it as offensive even though what I say is true.
There was even this one time that my classmate snatched (yes, and I’m not exaggerating in this) the notes that I made and photocopied it without my consent. He has been secretly loathed by my other classmates because of his arrogance and ill-mannered approach. He expected that I will treat him passively, but he was surprised that I confronted him and told him calmly, “Next time, you should ask permission, okay? Because I worked hard for this.” I saw my shocked classmates looking at us because that was the first time that someone stood up against him and confronted him. Yet little do they know, he messaged my friend to tell her he got offended and went on questioning my faith because he thinks I was being greedy which is absolutely not true.
The next day, my other classmate asked me what happened, and I told him the truth. He smiled while telling me that I did the right thing and said, “At last, someone stood up against him. He’s been arrogant ever since (translated).”
But deep inside I did not feel good about it. Because although I did the right thing, I made him hate me.
Those were just few of the ‘brave acts’ that I did. Some people like me because of those things, yet some secretly loathe me because of all the brave acts I did.
It might be good to be dubbed as ‘Brave Sweetheart’, ‘Strong-willed Woman’, but the more I leave cracks on the walls of pride of the people around me, the more I see myself drowned in this personality that they see as my strength yet all this time I see it as my weakness.
Should I still act the way I do? Be honest and stand firm to what I believe or just be passive about it like I never heard or saw anything?
Honestly, I’m still finding the right answer for that.