“Breathe in. Breathe out.” That’s what I said to myself while walking towards my new classroom.
It’s been more than a year now since the day I decided to rest for awhile from MedSchool. Now I’m back, and for so many reasons I also transferred to another Med School.
And honestly, it’s like I took a detour away from the plans I had for myself.
But if there was one thing that I learned for all the hardships I went through and all the crying moments I had, it’s this: I live a life that is perfectly planned. And it’s all God’s plan and not mine.
God has ways of surprising us sometimes. Just think of all the plans you have for yourself and your expectations that were never met just because God has it planned the other way. We sometimes complain. We sometimes think we know what’s best for ourselves and not Him. But then when you are in the middle of the road you are into, you realized that it was worth it. It’s worth trying, worth walking and worth crying. You then realized that His plans for you are higher. His plans are the best no matter how stormy and muddy the road is.
As I went inside our room and took a seat, with my tears that I was trying to hold back, all that I was able to say is, “God, I’m scared” . And I really mean it.
Looking back to the days when I struggled over anxiety and some seasons of depression brought by my chosen career, I know that this profession I have chosen is really hard that sometimes in the middle of the night, I have to ask myself “Why did I choose this?” And I keep on repeating it again and again like I have a broken record inside my head.
I remember the time I stood on the middle of the 5th floor’s corridor of my past School while holding the exam results and asked myself if how does it feel to jump from that floor. Crazy and scary but those were the days that I have no one –no one to strengthen me, no friends from College were with me and my family was miles away from me. So when I have received a failing mark, it’s like I have no one there to console me…all I had before was myself.
I was distant from the God that time. I hated Him for all the failures I had and the expectations that were never met. I hated Him for not doing it the way I wanted it to be. The anxiety and depression I suffered that time was the result of a life that is not centered to Him. I was so overwhelmed by my exams that even in the times that I pray, I always complain and never even praise God’s name despite the thought that I was in the midst of the storm in my life and praising Him should have been the best means for me to do.
But even though there were times that I felt hopeless, I’ve truly held on to the thought that in the end of that year, it will all be well for me.
And then comes the biggest twist in my lifestory. I failed.
I can still remember the time when I heard that news. It’s like the biggest building in my life fell down. Do you know how it feels to have built a tower of your dreams ever since the day you decided to pursue something, and then saw it fall apart even before it has been finished? I studied really hard, took a great PreMed course and have it all planned to take up Medicine after that, and then that happened. It’s always something all of the dreamers out there are scared to experience.
At first, I thought, all of it was pointless that I even kept on asking God why He led me all through those things just to left me alone at the end.
But then again, I realize now that He has some other plans for me. It may look messy for me, but I know that He planned it so perfectly.
He let my tower of dreams fall because He was never the foundation of it. He let that happened to humble me down and make me realize now that there is nothing good if I gain the whole world but lose my soul. He did it to make me realize that His people are not defined by what profession they have here on Earth. It’s all should be built around Him and His glory –whoever you are.
Maybe you might ask me now why I still chose to pursue it.
I took a rest for a year to think about what I want to do and if Medicine is really what I wanted because I want to glorify God in this or only myself. I took a rest to build my foundation once more to the only true source of eternal desires –God. And after all those months, I realized that this is where God can use me more. This is where I can be fruitful. I’ve already surrendered this dream before to God and let Him make it His own way, but still He lead me to rethink of doing it again and start with Him and His glory as my foundation for this.
Truly, it all work well. Because now, I will never face this battle again alone because I have Him.
I know, some will always find fault it me. Some will still define me with my past performance and judge me that I am not good in this. But I have faith in God’s plan for me even if my past was messy and the road ahead of me is tough.
I’m walking along the path that was perfectly planned by God. And there is nothing that I should worry about.
You might have a fair share of failures and expectations that you have for yourself that were never met. But cheer up! God has a greater plan for you. A plan that may not look perfect in our eyes but a plan that will absolutely glorify Him.
You don’t need to have everything just to prove how good God is. He is still the living and righteous God even if life gives you lemons. 🙂
May the endless river of faith in Jesus Christ flow from your heart even if you are weary and troubled.
“Seek the Lord while he may be found; call upon him while he is near; let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts; let him return to the Lord, that he may have compassion on him, and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon. For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it. “For you shall go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and the hills before you shall break forth into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands. Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress; instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle; and it shall make a name for the Lord, an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.” -Isaiah 55:6:13
God bless you, readers.
Glory to God alone.