I just had a moment with today’s sunset and guess what? I was thinking of you.
I know, I know...I should not be. I mean, why would I even think of you? It’s not even February so that I should think about you.
But maybe I just have to let these thoughts become words before it pops up in the air like I haven’t even thought about it.
Honestly, for the past three years, I’ve drowned myself of the thought that I will never see you. Yes. I’m not like the other women who’d see themselves get married someday. Marriage is something that has been far from my heart. I guess. Or maybe something that I don’t see as a must yet.
Although I have written some in this blog about love, but I always hold back a part of you. It seems I have tendencies of ending it like I’m meant to live alone.
Some say I’m a dreamer and too ambitious. I’d like chasing my dream more than chasing men. I’d rather have a date with my books than look at someone’s eyes and listen to his sweet but not convincing words. So how could I ever meet you if I’m not even interested in seeing you? Or maybe I do but I’m just scared. Or maybe I feel this way because God has other plans for me.
But just tonight, I feel like you do exist. I feel like I’m meant to know you someday and get married. There has been a mysterious hope in my heart tonight that you really do exist. Maybe this has been the effect of loneliness brought by me moving in a place I’ve never been to before and my family and friends are miles away from me.
I once thought that I’d love the fact of having a life alone. But having that thought come to life today, I’m starting not to like it. I used to like more having a Siberian Husky in my house than having you in my room. Although I do love to have kids someday through adoption, but having you is the least one in my priorities. I don’t know. Maybe I’m scared. Scared to meet you and fall in love.
Although my parent’s marriage has been great, but not all of my relatives end up like that. I have friends who came from a broken family. I have seen many people break their heart over a treacherous relationship with someone. I have seen a lot of examples to be scared of having you in my life. I might have joked about you before, but I don’t actually like the thought of having you around.
That’s why I’m writing this to say sorry. To say sorry to someone I may have known already or not, but someone I’ve actually neglected and hurt for the past years in my life.
I’m sorry if I don’t like you before. I hate thinking of the day I’ll meet you. Not because I don’t want to submit to you. I’m just scared you’ll turn into a monster and wreck our marriage someday. I’ve seen a lot of instances that men love their wives only for a little while but then change as years go by. I’m too scared it will also happen to us. But then, I’m sorry that I’ve gone into that thought even before having you in my life.
I’m sorry too if I’ve hated you because of the unrequited love I had with some few guys from my past. I’m scared you’ll be like them -someone whom I love but doesn’t love me back. I can’t imagine myself being inside a house with someone who just want to have me because he needs something from me and not because he loves me. Again, I’m sorry that I thought about this even before having you in my life.
I’m sorry that I kept on telling my parents that you do not exist; that I am meant to live alone. Yes, they do worry that I think you don’t exist. I’ve tried to convince them so many times not to believe in your existence but they are praying that you really do exist, and I guess this has been the answer for their prayers.
I’m sorry for the times that I could have prayed for you but I never did because I don’t like the thought of having you in my life.
I’m sorry for being simply scared at you. For imagining you as a monster who will wreck my life.
But whoever and wherever you are tonight, I’d like you to know that I’m starting to like the thought of having you around. I’ve already opened the door of possibilities of having you in my life.
I’m starting to imagine you’ll buy me coffee someday and give me flowers if you love to. I’m starting to love you, and fear is something that I’m learning to let go now.
I’m not expecting a fight-free relationship with you someday, but I’m hoping it would be a relationship that I will not be scared of. My Dad is a great godly man, and I hope you’ll be someone who will get along with him smoothly because you both love the same things.
I don’t expect you to be the most ideal man based on the standards of this world. I just want you to grow in Christ-likeness; serving Him all the days of your life. Even on the years you still don’t have me in your life.
Be a good child to your parents, too. Because you can’t love me and our future family if you’ve lived your life hating them.
And please do me a favor; don’t love me more than how much you love God. I can’t replace Him and be a God like Him. Desire Him more than how much you desire having me in your life because it truly scares me if you anticipate to know me more than how much you desire knowing Him.
I may not know the date I’ll fall in love with you, but know that I’ll be waiting. I’m sorry again that I’ve hated you for so long.
See you in God’s perfect time.
Your Future Wife
We all do have fears, but tonight I’ve just faced one of those greatest fears I have in my life. May this one inspire you to let go of the things that holds you back from growing. Be secured in God’s plan for you. Be still and know that He is in control.
To all my readers, I’m sorry for this very ‘unlikely-me’ entry. 🙂 I just find the need of doing this. But if you have been into my shoes before or even experiencing it now, feel free to comment and share your fair share of fears in marriage. I’d like to learn from you. Thank you for reading this. God bless you readers! Glory to God alone. 🙂