Have you ever been into a situation where you don’t have any other choice but to cry out what you have inside of your heart for a very long time? That’s what happened to me yesterday.
Every people I’ve encountered only had two comments about me. It could either be I’m tough or just plain silent. Emotions can sometimes be my weapon, but tough image is always been my favorite one. But just like other people, I also have hidden stories and things that hold me back. I also have a fair share of failures and moments of depression.
For the past weeks, I did try to write and inspire others, but when your means of inspiration is shattered and your feelings don’t match with what you write, you end up with an empty page and you can’t think straight on what to share.
It seems like my cup of spiritual meal was seasoned with bitterness, doubts, depression and fear.
I may have known for so long that I am in good Hands, but when God’s plan are very hurtful, you sometimes end up staring at nothing and eventually see yourself crying over the feelings you’ve held back for so long.
Yesterday, I kept on telling God that ‘I don’t understand everything. Why does it have to be this hard and hurtful? Why it seems everything is unbearable?’ Tears can’t stop falling down from my eyes while I tried to do some silent sobs with fear that someone will hear me. There were times that I wiped my tears and try to calm myself down, but tears start to fall again and again.
During that time, all that was inside my heart is the feeling that I’ve been into so much problems for the past years, and it seems I haven’t done a right step for a very long time. My dreams were shattered and life has been tough for me.
It seems like when I laugh, sadness will always be there around the corner to overwhelm my happiness and try to turn my life into so much misery. I haven’t been to that kind of life where I can experience a whole month with nothing but joy in my heart. There’s always a day or a week where I can go depressed and cry again once more.
My fears today are the same fears I had for the past years. It seems like as time goes by, it keeps on getting bigger and more powerful that it sometimes overwhelm the light that is in my heart. I know, I shouldn’t be focusing in my fears, but there are times that you can’t help not to gaze at it especially if it as big as a giant.
God knows how much I cling to Him at those times. But there are also times that I just don’t understand Him why He lets some things come to pass. I sometimes don’t understand why I need to feel defeated and hurt. It’s simply saying,’Why it has to be like this?’
After hours of crying, I fell asleep.
And when I woke up, it felt like I’ve been asleep the whole day. I felt new strength was build up inside me, and I know I have to move on and smile again.
But many thoughts filled my mind. Including the question ‘Why did I reacted that way?’ My emotions blinded me from the fact that I am just a clay and I have no right to question the Potter on how He molds me.
You will say to me then, “Why does He still find fault? For who resists His will?” On the contrary, who are you, O man, who answers back to God? The thing molded will not say to the molder, “Why did you make me like this,” will it? Or does not the potter have a right over the clay, to make from the same lump one vessel for honorable use and another for common use? – Romans 9:19-21
It’s true that there are moments that everything seems incomprehensible. It seems like problems have another language that is not known to us. And when we’re hurt by the situation we’re into, all we can think about is how painful and unbearable it is.
There are things that humans see as too much tragic. It could either be, a broken relationship, bankruptcy, or shattered dreams. We don’t know why it has to be that way, and when things seem incomprehensible, we start to doubt where it ends and worse, we blame God.
But it’s very clear when the Bible says ‘All things work together for good for those who love God (Romans 8:28).’
We may see everything like there’s no hope or there are no happy endings for us. But just because you don’t understand it, that doesn’t mean there will never be good thing from it.
Just like the hardest problems you have encountered inside the class, there are things we cannot really fully understand right away. It takes faith, hope and patience to understand it someday.
But for now, you should feel secure that you are in good hands. The different flavors you have in your spiritual meal play an important part on how God molds you to become the perfect pot that He wants you to be.
You don’t have to understand everything. Just simply know that you are safe in the Potter’s Hand. 🙂
‘But now, O LORD, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand.’ -Isaiah 64:8
God bless you, reader!
Your Sister in Christ,